My problems probably started while I was preparing for my 'A' level (which was just decade ago).

I was aware of how bad my temper had become. I was impatient- things must be done quickly and at once. Friends have difficulty catching up with me when we are together. It was easy to get frustrated or get angry or even both at the same time. Mood swings come as fast as they go, too much stress to handle from school?

I was also an accident-prone, bumping against anything that come my way- doors, cabinet, table, chairs, staircase railing and etc. Clumsy.

All these, I thought must have something to do with the genes.

A few weeks before my 'A' level exam started, I discovered a ringing tone in my left ear (Oct 8). At first, I thought it could be due to a water bubble trapped there after a shower. However, when the sound did not go away after a couple of days, I suspected that it has to be something else. But I have to wait till exams are over first.

Several weeks after the exams are ended, I started to work as a temp clerk. By this time, I have already sunk into depression and stopped contacting my friend altogether. A close friend commented on me becoming so anti-social and 'locking myself out from the world' and I thought that I was 'cool' then!

All this while, the ringing tone was there. Someone recommended me an ear specialist. Being a negative at that time, I was worried of the diagnosis and since I had started to get use to the ringing tone. I thought I might as well live with it and save myself a good few dollars.

And so I took the Chinese herbs and some concoctions as prescribed by the medical halls, with the believed that it would drive away the 'fire' or 'heat' that is causing the sound. But of course it dose not help much expect that at times the ringing tone seems to be hardly audible, only to come back now and then. It can be irritating; especially at night when all is quiet and there's goes the buzzing sound. Sometimes it just got so loud that I can't sleep. I cannot pretend it's not there. The alternative is to hug a pillow tightly against the ear to block out the sound.

However my conditions starts to get worse and more severe signs surfaced. I started to experience fainting spells, feeling nauseous, vomiting, drowsiness and painful throbbing headaches that are always at one spot of my head. I have to press my knuckles against the pain and at times, I actually wish I could open the head to let the pain filter off. I suppose that's how the term 'splitting headache' came about.

Then someone who had experience a similar case of fainting spells recommended a Chinese sinseh to my mom. He thinks that I had migraine and that my condition had something to do with the nerve system. His prescription for me consists of a packet of dried medicinal herbs to be boiled and consumed. I was apprehensive at first but hey… what can be worse than this throbbing headache- it's killing me!

Suprisingly, the headaches went away after I took the herbal brew and by the second bowl. I was almost back to normal. And subsequently, whenever such attacks occur, I would go back to this sinseh to get a prescription. All this while, I had been working as a temp in several places while looking for a permanent job. Finally, the day came and the statutory board accepted me.

Thus begin Part Two of my story…

Tuesday -3rd December 1991

It was beginning of the third week and I was still trying to adjust myself to fit into the new environment. As I recall, it was lunchtime, and I was eating alone.

The last thing I remembered before I collapsed, I was holding on to my plate of "hor fun", in a "drunken" state.

When my colleagues found me, I was already a walking "zombie"- I looked fine (sans expression) and I was able to move around. Only when I walked head on to the wall, did they sense something is wrong.

Then the ambulance was called in and I was sent to the nearest hospital, then the Toa Payoh Hospital. By now, my family has been informed.

Wednesday - 4th December 1991

I only regained consciousness when I wake up (must be around seven) the next morning. In my very blurred vision (sans spectacles), I could still make out the white clothed people walking around their voices and me. I knew I was in some kind of a hospital. But which one? Then I tried to get up, only to find myself tightly wrapped in a STRAIT JACKET AND STRAPPED TO THE BED!

Isn't this meant for those to be put in the mental institution???!! AND WHAT PLACE IS THIS?

Then the doctor (or MO?) came to check on my condition. My mom came later with my sister to assure me that "everything is fine, just take a rest- you'll be out within these few days". All this time, I haven't the slightest idea of what the hell is happening- my only concern was "Hey! Must tell my EO I am in the middle of subscribing a foreign newsletter!"

Later that day, I was sent to the hospital for a scan. I was not allowed to leave after that and what follows is the most bizarre calendar of events that I never in my wildest imagination knew exist

They have found a large cystic tumour in my brain (cerebellar cystic astrocytoma) -the size of "an orange" - what my neurosurgeon had jokingly described. Because it was so big, it had been blocking the brain fluids from flowing, causing pressure to built within it (headaches). As it has been resting on the optic nerves, my visuals were seriously affected- narrow vision (which explains for the constant bumping into things. All this information, of course, was kept from me till much later.

All this while, I am still lying on my bed. ignorant of the happenings and the hush hush discussion going on between my parents and the neurosurgeon. As I was not even twenty-one years old, I cannot sign the operation papers myself. And so, it was decided to keep me in the dark till the first operation is over.

While my father hesitates signing the papers, the doctor explains the urgency for the operation- if I do not undergo the operation immediately, the tumour could cause much worse compression progressively leaving me dead the worst or a vegetable the most, it can all happen within two weeks.

It was almost midnight when I was sent to the Operation Theatre. I was relatively fine after the operation- alert and conscious of the surroundings. Also the constant stream of relatives and friends who came to see me gives me much support and hopes I needed.

9th December 1991

I went through a painful progress know as "Angiogram". This is to enable the doctors to trace the passage of the medicine (as in the blood) used in the operation.

14th December 1991

By now, I was aware of what was and had been going on. Barely a week before the second operation was due; I developed a rash and had a fever, which finally subside after almost a week. The operation was thus pushed to another day- well, how can I possibly forget the date?

24th December 1991

I had a good sleep the night before- surprisingly. I was cool, calm and prepared (mentally)- surprisingly, again. Having come so far now (I consider the roller coaster ride), I was more anxious than determined to go through the next hurled (it's too late to back out now!) I was aware of the procedure this time- the doctors have briefed me.

Unlike the first operation (considered a minor surgery), this time, the operation would be a major surgery, as it would take about 8 hours. Well, my family came to shoe their support and boost my morale early in the morning, before I was wheeled into the Operation Theatre.

All went smoothly. I was conscious when a voice (the neurosurgeon's) 'woke' me up. There were cheers and loud applause (!!!) when I did what I was told- to bring a finger to touch my nose and then his palm. I felt great, to be alive, once again. At that moment, many thoughts came to my mind but then I didn't want to think about anything- just want to go back to sleep….

When I woke up a few hours later, I saw many familiar faces outside the window, waving at me. I smiled and waved happily back to them- I was able to recognize them!

26th December 1991

My first "Taxia" attacks. While my brain and nerves tried to get familiar with the new system, my neck muscles would trembled now and then (the neck feels like it has been stretched and then let go). Although it was not painful, it proved to be so stressful, for the MOs has to be sent for now and then. The next day, it got worse but luckily, it disappeared on the third day.

7th January 1992

Two operations and almost forty days of hospitalisation later, I was finally discharged. HOME AT LAST !!! Hey, I missed my bed!

That's not the end.

Two weeks later, I went to the hospital for my radiation therapy. Though each session lasts less than two minutes. Boy, was I glad to get off the couch when it's over. Finally, the therapy ended after the twenty-sixth session (late Feb 92).

A couple of weeks later, my hair starts to drop. At first, in strands that stuck in a comb. By the third day, the pillow was covered with my hair. I had to wear scarves around my head I go out. This goes on for another few months before I could go to a hair salon in the neighborhood for a decent haircut.

On 1st April 1992, I was back in the office. Life goes on…

This story is dedicated to (not in order of priority): -

Family
Uncles and Aunts
Cousins
Friends

(I wish I could put all your names here!)

Always in loving memory,
Ma-ma, my late grandmother

Special thanks to: - All medical staff.

And not forgetting the people at Brain Tumour Support Association!

It all began sometime in late December 1997. I felt this strange spinning sensation whenever I tilt my head backwards while laying down and quickly sit up straight. It was only temporary and lasted probably only seconds. I didn't really bother much about that because I thought that it was due to insufficient rest as I was working late nights.

However, by January 1998, this spinning sensation could be felt every morning when I sit up straight from the bed. This prompted me to seek medical help from General Practitioner. I was diagnosed as having a balancing problem with relation to the balancing system in the ears. I was given some medicine to take which obviously did not solve the problems. So from January to the early period I had been having follow-ups with this doctor. I decided to go for a full body checkup at Mt Alvernia in June after noticing that the spinning sensation is getting worst. The outcome of the checkup was that I am in a healthy state and there is nothing wrong with me. I persisted on questioning the doctor why do I keep feeling the spinning sensation every morning. He did referral of this case to an Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT) Specialist.

The Specialist again diagnosed this problem as a Balancing problem in my balancing system. I was given different kinds of medicine to take every visit; I even had my ears tested! All these visits lasted from June till sometime end September 1998. That is when I am beginning to feel heaviness on my right leg when I tried to run. The control of that leg feels funny when I had a game of soccer, it is not responding very well to what you intended to do. I just felt very uneasy throughout the game. As days passed, I noticed that my right leg jerks very fast without control when rested at 90 degrees. It only stops when I straighten it. I show this to the ENT specialist on a Friday appointment and he reffered me to see a Neurologist on Saturday. The Neurologist asked me for a MRI scans for me after noticing that the right limbs of my body is hyper-responsive. A scan on the neck was also made as I felt pain in the area when my head is titled backwards. An appointment was made to see him two days later, which is Monday, to collect the results.

Monday come as usual, I took half day off and when to the hospital for my appointment. I went to collect my films and brought it to the Neurologist to diagnose. Within the next few minutes, came the shocking news. I was told that there was a growth in the left middle part of my brain. This growth, probably a tumour, is pressing on my nerves, which causes the jerkiness problem in my leg. As the left side of the brain controls the right movements of the body, this explains why my right limbs especially the leg reacting that way. I was totally stunned on receiving the news, as all along I was hopping that it is the neck that was causing problem. I didn't expect something serious to happen to me. The question that came to my mind is what does the growth mean? What kind of growth is this? Is it dangerous? What will happen to me?

I'm totally in a state of shock. The dialogue that follows with the Neurologist wasn't very comforting at all. He told me to go for a biopsy to determine whether it is benign or malignant, without explaining what a Biopsy was. He asked about whether my personal or company's insurance covers on this aspect etc. However at this point, I'm more concern on the impending issue an operation on my brain. He recommended a couple of surgeons for the biopsy, which I told him that I would, discussed this matter with my family before making any decisions. Therefore, I took a taxi home all alone, still in disbelief of the fact that I've a tumour in my brain. My anxious father waited for the medical report at the doorstep when I reach home, and painsakenly, I revealed the results to him. I could vividly remember the shocked in his face upon receiving the bad news. The next two days, my parents and I were seeking opinions all sources regarding whether I should performed Biopsy and which doctor would do a good job. The conclusion is pretty uniform, the Biopsy has to be done and my neurosurgeon was highly recommended because of his technique of employing a computer guided laser technique perform the operation is more accurate.

The following Monday was scheduled for the operation, which coincidentally is the Mooncake festival and I've to check in to the hospital on Sunday night to get prepared. My girlfriend who is in Europe on a business trip would be rushing back to celebrate the festival with me, so said in a postcard she sent to me from London, oblivious of my condition. I did not want to tell her of my sickness whenever we talk on the phone, because I didn't want her to worry for me while she's so far away. Moreover what she can do other than worry. She is schedule to reach Singapore on Sunday morning, a day before the operation and I promised to pick her up at the airport. On Sunday morning I was feeling really down and rotten, when I should be happy instead. I am wondering how to break the news to my girlfriend who will be coming back to Singapore on a high note after a month's stay in Europe. Nonetheless, I did it cruelly. She cried the whole journey from the airport to her place. My heart broke when I saw how hard she tried to hold her tears back, and I kept asking myself, why me?

We went to the Buddhist temple near my house to seek blessing that evening. I am a Buddhist since young, and whenever I felt myself in some kind of trouble where no one help, I pray to Buddhist, which is the only thing I'm able to do at this stage. Who decides my fate at the operation table I would not know, but I believe in my religion. I felt better after a monk performs a blessing for us. My parents, girlfriend and myself check in to the hospital that night.

The big day came, at 8am, a nurse help me to prepared for the operation at 2pm that day. A frame was fixed and screwed tight onto my skull. A MRI scan was done with the frame on and I was returned to my room to wait for the operation. As I was sitting in the wheelchair, the pain resulting from the four screw of the frame was so immense that I broke down in tears. Many thoughts rushed through my head, all my life, all those good and bad memories, what would become of me, especially my parents who already in their sixties still have to worry for me. I felt so helpless and useless. I could not tolerate the pain any longer as I look at the clock which shows only 10.30am. I asked the nurse to give me a jab so as allow me to sleep.

At about 1.15pm, the nurses woke me up and started preparing me for the operation. As I was rolled to the operation room, my heart was pounding heavily as we closes in. My hand and feet are cold, I'm scared. This could be the end I thought, and there's still so much things waiting for me to do. I kept praying silently.

The next thing I know, my neurosurgeon was smiling beside me. T he operation was a success. I was overjoyed and for a moment I felt that I was totally cured. My joy was pretty lived as I realized that I had to wait for a couple of days before the results of the Biopsy would be out. My next immediate worry that occurs to me is whether the tumour is cancerous or not. Well, the agony from waiting for the results continues. I was discharge from the hospital after a night's stay at the ICU. However, I was called to see my neurosurgeon the next day. To my surprise, the report of the Biopsy is already sitting on his desk. I was shocked to hear that the tumour that I 'm suffering from, Thalamic Geminoma is cancerous. Wild thoughts raced through my mind again, however my neurosurgeon was quick to console me that this form of tumour is very responsive to the Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy he is putting me through, and has a high chance of being cured. This type of tumour he added is very rarely in that particular location of that brain which surprises him. I am very much comforted by the news and I know by now that my prayers had been answered.

Hence after, an appointment was made to see the Radiation Oncologist for the Radiotherpy. The whole Radiotherpy lasted for a month, which is then followed by Chemotherpy. The worst thing that happened, was after one week of Radiotherpy, I fell sick with chickenpox. I had to continue my Radiotherapy every day even with the chickenpox! The good new came about a month after which the second MRI was done, the tumour has been remove by the therapy. What is left is just a hemorrhage or a scar, which is not harmful. I was overjoyed.

The final phase of treatment is the Chemotherapy, which I hated most. Every session of therapy lasted about three hours of uneasiness because there must be minimal movement to the hand that has the dip attached. Time is especially hard to pass by during these three hours and multiple trips to the toilet are often required because of the medicine that is going onto the body. My Chemotherapy lasted about six months after which my third MRI was schedule. The results were very encouraging, as there was no sign of any recurrence.

I am currently still having follow-ups with all three doctors whom I feel thankful to. They are the ones that gives me confident at each of my phase of my treatment. Never at any point of time did they give the impression of how serious my condition would become. Though till now, nobody can commit that I'm hundred percent cured or would not suffer a relapsed, but I've total confidence that I'm in very safe hands. This whole incident has totally change my perspective of life a lot. I came to realize the important of my family and friends. They are the ones that had provided me all the moral support that I needed in one's region are very important. Cancer is a disease that leaves the victim feeling really helpless, lonely and which no one can help other than consoling. I made my prayers every week at the temple, and just hopes that I will not suffer relapse.

The whole incident has made me realized the statement ' Life is full of Uncertainties' is very true. No one can tell what is going to happen tomorrow. Just live to the fullest without stressing oneself is my motto nowadays. As the saying goes 'Health is Wealth'. I try not stressing myself at work and be happy.

It was a frightening experience. I was driving home one evening in 1990 when suddenly I saw double vision on the expressway. T he white-colored road marking suddenly appeared in pairs, likewise passing cars also appeared in pairs. I was puzzled and worried as I could not make sense of what was happening with my vision. I drove very slowly and fortunately I reached home safely. I told my wife what had happened and we resolved to see a doctor the morning.

The doctor- a neurologist, examined my eyesight and surprising said that I was evidently in the "pink of health" i.e. he could not see anything wrong with my eyesight. My wife, however, was not convince and suggested whether a brain scan was needed to clear all doubts. Consequently, I had a MRI done the next morning. The same afternoon, we received an urgent call to see the doctor again. The truth was immediately relieved. On the MRI film, we saw clearly a brain tumour on the top side of my forehead. According to the doctor, it was the size of an orange!

The neurosurgeon - recommended by the neurologist- said that I had to be operated within the next few days. He said that the double vision was due to the pressure exerted by the tumour on the optic nerves.

Although the actual operation was successful, the immediate after-effects were very hard on me.

My first "contact" upon awakening from the GA in the intensive ward was to realized that I was "tied up" on my bed. I could not move or speak as there was a tube through my mouth and both my hands were immobile. I was very uncomfortable with the pillow and general position of my reclining body and I wanted just to have someone to adjust it. Under normal condition, it would be very simple. However, the nurse at around 4am in the morning could not help me at all as we could not communicate. Since I was not allowed to move my hands to write and I could not speak due to the tube. It was indeed very agonizing.

The next day I was very happy - exuberant in fact - to discover that the operation was a great success and I was very thankful to God (I am a Christian) and my surgeon who did a great job. He said that it was a difficult operation because of the size of the tumour. In his opinion, it was probably beginning. My head was bandaged like a turban.

I was given a very strong dosage of steroid; my face become puff up and "moony". The steroids contributed to the constant stream of nightmare and hallucination. The double vision contributed and I was also informed that it was possible- though not probable- to lose your eyesight. This possibility made me very worried.

The other major post-operation difficulty was my sleep-pattern was completely upside down. I slept easily during day but wide-awake at night. I was not allowed to take any sleep, included medicine. As it was a brain operation.

Fortunately after 10 days in hospital, I was discharged. I remember very clearly how happy I felt to be able to go home. I felt sheer joy of being able to do the simple things of life which before I took for granted such as walking and seeing. No double vision!

For the next one month I recuperated my home. My company was very supportive and allowed me to work half-day for the next one month. I recovered rapidly. However, I continue to have nightmare and hallucination for at least another six months. My company doctor said that it was the fear of death, which contributed to the nightmares dreams. He assured me that over time that it would go away. He was correct.

As required, I had to do a second scanning one-year after the operation. I had the second scare! The doctor said that the MRI showed that there was a recurrence, a small growth the size of a fish-ball was detected on the same spot as the last tumour. The doctor said that the minigioma was the active type and therefore I should be operated again. I went again for the another operation. Fortunately, it was a false alarm. The doctor said that it was a scar tissue, which curled back into a ball!

Altogether, it took about a year and a half before I could honestly said say I'm fully recovered. I used to feel very tired and sometimes dizzy. Praise the Lord…today I am well. The doctor said that the tumour was meningioma.

On hindsight, there were three pre-operation symptom that I believed were causes by the tumour- although at the time I was not aware of the relationship.

The first symptom that about three months before the discovery of the tumour I had encountered some problems in reading. I went to see an optician for an eye test - I am shortsighted - but they found that my responses to the eyesight readings on letters were not consistent or logical. After adjusting several lenses on the test spectacle frame, they told me that they could not understand my eyesight response!

The second symptom was that about a month before I saw the doctors for my double vision, I had an uncontrollable shacking of my right upper hand. This shaking lasted for about 5 minutes. I dismissed this event as one of those happening in your body, which have no significance.

The last symptom was I was generally a bit aggressive in my behavior towards others. My wife said that she felt I was aggressive in the few months prior to the discovery of the tumour. My doctor said that the tumour probably caused this behavior change. He said that I had been carrying an additional significant weight on my head and this factor affected my behavior.

Looking back, it has been about 8 years since the operation. I had become a changed person in terms of my attitude and philosophy of life. A strong and a supportive family - in my case my spouse - have been a tremendous help. Life is in a sense short and fragile and from that perspective our worldly problems with people and materialism pale into irrelevance.

"Could you recognize me?"
"Yes, of course. You are my neurosurgeon."
"Miracle! It's miracle!"
These were the phases mentioned between my neurosurgeon and me, on the 14th of August 1996 afternoon in the operating theater. And I was one of the brain tumour victims. My story started one afternoon in mid February 1996, I was attending a staff meeting in the conference room while some of my colleagues were busy taking notes of the main points of discussion, I noticed that I could not see any word written on the board. At that moment, I felt drowsy and fatigue. I just leaned on the desk and then "blank"…..Later, my supervisor awakened me and by then I realized that the meeting was over.

My husband and I did not take it very seriously at first, because we felt that this was the result of stress and tiredness caused by over-working. I just needed to rest and when I did, I felt refresh and relieved and all bad feelings faded. Occasionally I felt tired, giddy nauseous and temperamental. Most of the morning, my fingers become numb, necks stiffed, drowsy and felt like vomiting. But these symptoms usually lasted only a few minutes. What disturbed me most was that I could not even hold a pen as usual. When I intended to write and could not hold items handed over by others or hold anything on my hands. I also felt deeply disturbed when I overheard people passing remarks on my conditions. Anyway life just went on as normal as I ha no time to be bothered with their insults.

I remembered the same year during the June holidays; my husband and I took part in a golf tournament in Malaysia. After the game, I packed up and was ready to go to the changing room with my female partner, when all of the sudden I lost my vision. But still, I managed to find my way to the changing room as I talked to my partner, and followed her footsteps. Fortunately, my visibility came back when we reached the changing room not withstanding the possibility of something was really wrong with my head.

The same situation occurred at the dining table. I could not see what was on the table at the instant, not to mention eating any food. I experience an acute headache, giddiness and nauseous. While on my way back, I threw up on the bus and felt more commutable after that. I regain good mental health and shared my experience with friends.

First week in August, my husband suggested that I went for a through medical check-up. Although the result on my medical report was normal, nevertheless, my husband company doctor insisted that a brain scan CT was needed. The scanning result showed that there was a tumour on the left region of my brain. I was referred to a neurosurgeon, who is a specialist in this area, for further consultation and examination. My neurosurgeon confirmed the existence of the brain tumour and arranged for an immediate surgery.

The surgery called. Sphenoid Wing Menigioma was done on the second week of August, which was Benign. Thank God for that! Everything was fine after the surgery, although my faced swelled like a 'water-melon'. This was the "compliment" I received from those who visited me. They were amazed at the sight of me, laughing, joking and chitchatting with other patients. I was very eager to share my life experiences with others. Nevertheless, one early morning, I suddenly felt giddy, my right limbs slightly numb, my vision gradually deteriorated and my speech was slur and not understandable. This surgery side effect lasted only for a few days and I stayed on in hospital for 23 days to recuperate.

After being discharged, life seems to be back to normal by the Grace of God. I pray to the Lord every day, and read the bible consistently and thanked him for giving me bodily strength and a "second" chance to overcome this obstacle. I learn to be strong and I have faith in him the Lord who enlightens and guide me through this trying period. I am truly blessed. I gradually learn to put up with negative remarks in life and be more self-reliant.

Nevertheless, two and half years later, the side effect from my brain surgery reappeared. I was advised by my neurosurgeon to take medical leave to prevent further complications, as he knew that I am a workaholic. Fortunately, it was not serious and the tumour is not at recurrent tumour by having my MRIs to confirm the status of my condition. I now take life easily without being stressed too much by playing golf.

I now take Epilim Control Release Tablet to control my fits of "tremor" or seizures due to stress.

Family support and understanding helps a lot. "Love never fails!" as I am deeply touched by the endless support and love showered onto me by my husband, my three children, my maid, my three sisters and my mother-in-law.

I must also express my heartfelt thanks to my attending doctors, and all medical staffs, cleaners, my colleagues, my relatives' friends and pastors. I no longer have fear in my heart for I know that the Lord will always be my side.

Phoebe

But even benign tumours can cause paralysis, coma, and finally death, said Dr Pillay.